woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
