remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
