just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
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