You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
