This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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