They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
