do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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