last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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