I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
