i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
