I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
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