I am in a vortex of obligation.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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