The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize