Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Randomize
