I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
