What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
