she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
