i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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