you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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