I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
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