So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
