I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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