Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize