This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
