I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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