i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
