Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
