some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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