just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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