Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
