i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
