I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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