i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
