You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
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