tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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