When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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