You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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