just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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