i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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