Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
