Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Randomize
