my being single is dangerous.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
