I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize