Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
