Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
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