You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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