I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
