I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
i've created a new STD.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
