The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
