my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
