i permit you to call me
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
