Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
