I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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