I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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