I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
