Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
