You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Watching her eat just hurts me
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Terrible idea I love it
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
