My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
