i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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