It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
