Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
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